Hallucinations Of A Boy Scout
by Total Batman Obsession
Summary: For all those who have read my very first story published here (Bruce Wayne/Batman's Month) this is a story from that, its just meant to be a funny story ;) Disclaimer- As always I do not own any of the characters in the story


**Special Thanks to Zales, who encouraged me to do this and helped with ideas, enjoy.**

I sigh as I finish the analysis on the fear toxin and read out the contents of the chemicals. Now I must figure out a cure to counter-act the new, stronger toxin. I believe the cure I have plus one added chemical would be enough to quell the toxins affects from both me and any unfortunate victims.

I rub my eyes and shake my head to try and clear it. I haven't slept in a week; I've been so focussed on catching scarecrow that I've barely noticed the days go by.

"Perhaps you should play a game of chess with me?"

I turn around at the voice and thoroughly check my surroundings but find no one, I rub my eyes once more then I mix the extra chemical into the cure which should now counter-act the toxin.

"Come on B, how about a hug."

I whip around to see...nothing. No one is there.

I take several doses of the cure and put it into my utility belt then head for the Bat-mobile. I get in the car and buckle up when the voice I've been hearing suddenly has the body to match it and is sitting beside me. I shake my head at the 'farm boy' outfit he's wearing, jeans and a blue plaid shirt, he's missing the glasses.

"What do you want?"

"Nothing, just some of Alfred's cookies, his cookies are the best! Can I have some? Please Bruce?" His blue eyes turn to me, pleading and definitely giving me the puppy dog look.

"It's Batman right now," I say sternly as I drive out of the cave. "But sure, whatever."

Clark doesn't move, I shrug as I drive.

"You should genetically mutate the bats so that they sing The Wiggles."

I turn to Clark but he's suddenly not there...

I shake my head and keep driving. I'm in the middle of Gotham when the voice from the passenger seat decides to make itself known again.

"Have you ever wanted to saw yourself in half like a magician does?"

I turn to look at him.

"No Clark, I can't say I have, can you go away now?

He pouts and crosses his arms.

"You're always telling me to go, always pushing people away! You need marshmallows Bruce."

"I need...what?"

"Bruce! Watch the road!"

I turn to look at the road and swerve just in time before I hit a telegraph pole. It wouldn't have damaged the car but I didn't really want to be destroying anything. Adrenaline rushes through my veins as Clark disappears once again. I'm hallucinating, that's the only explanation as to what is going on, sleep deprivation and slight dehydration.

I park the car on the side of the road and suddenly Clark is reaching out for my wrist.

"Don't go out there!"

I sigh; it's going to be a long night.

"Why?"

"Because Bruce, there are ants out there; you might step on them," he looks very sad at the prospect of me stepping on ants.

"I promise I'll step over them," I get out of the car even as he protests.

Scarecrow was last seen in this area, I have to search it for clues as to his next whereabouts. I set up an area of 50 feet with the cowl, using the technology to detect chemicals and particles in the air and ground but also to find any DNA left here and anything else useful and begin to search everywhere for clues, making sure not to go outside the perimeter of behind the building.

"Hey Bruce!"

I look up to see Clark on the edge of a rooftop looking like he's about to fall off, I roll my eyes and keep working. I kneel on the ground and find traces of Scarecrows chemicals and begin to follow the trail when Clark starts whispering in my ear.

"Hey Bruce, how many criminals urinate themselves just by hearing your name?"

"I like to think all of them Clark, now please shut up!"

"I'm in your head, perhaps you should be telling yourself to shut up."

I ignore the next choice words Clark has to say and try and focus again. The chemicals are leading into the factory across from here, I don't know if that is where he is but it's a start...

"I was serious about The Wiggles, Bruce I think the bats could really pull it off if they practice."

"I am not doing experiments on them just because you think it would be amusing for them to sing 'Wake up Jeff'!" I yell at him as I get up from my kneeling position.

"Interesting choice Bruce," he tells me thoughtfully.

"You are getting on my nerves Kent!"

I huff and walk toward the factory, looking for anything else I can use on the way. The chemicals don't lead to the factory, they take a sharp turn right and leads back toward the houses. Damn it! I huff angrily and follow the trail.

"If the League had a TV show, which one of us would be most popular?"

"Irrelevant, no such TV show exists. If it did I wouldn't be a part of it."

"You're no fun," he crosses his arms.

"I'm Batman, not Funman."

Clark starts mimicking me so I grind my teeth in anger and focus. The chemicals are still leading toward the houses; I was hoping it would lead to a nearby warehouse but apparently not. I cross the road and walk to the next street where the houses begin.

"Batman! Hey Batman!" I growl at him in answer. "Do you think if you tried that you could actually control the bats in the cave? I know you named a few of them," he grins at me as if sharing a secret.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I state to him and kneel. The trail is getting stronger, there's even residue on the ground, either it's a trap or he's getting sloppy, I'm sure it's the latter.

Clark gives me a fake sneeze that sounds like "Henry" but I ignore him and stand tall again. I follow the chemicals and walk toward the houses again.

"Achoo! (Jake) Achoo! (Stanley) Achoo! (Martha)."

I growl fiercely, I've had enough! I turn on my Com Link and give the man in question a talking to.

"Kent! I'm sick of you stalking me, stop it at once! I don't care if you think the bats should sing The Wiggles songs, I don't need marshmallows, I do not name the bats in my cave and you are not getting any of Alfred's cookies!" I yell and by the end of it my breathing is a little more laboured because of my anger.

"Um… What? What are you talking about? I'm in my bed!" He says in disbelief but I know better, I know he's been stalking me.

"You have been stalking me for the past hour and a half! I'm telling you once, stay out of Gotham!"

"Okay B, I promise I'll stop," he sounds sincere, I'm not buying it.

"Seriously, I'm not getting any work done and lives are at stake!"

"I understand Batman, I won't follow you anymore," he says calmly and carefully as if I am a wild animal he is approaching.

"Good, see to it you don't!"

I turn off my com link and walk up the street and find myself on grass in front of a house. I see him again, sitting on the grass happily grinning at me (almost stupidly), I'll get him! I pick him up by the throat and find he's lighter than usual; I must be gaining more muscle.

"Stop following me! Why are you following me?!" His grin remains.

"Um Batman?" A civilian from the house approaches me carefully. Caucasian male, mid-thirties, small scar on right cheek, light brown hair, upper middle class judging by clothing and posture, athletic but not to the point where it's his career, no he's in the education department.

"Mind your own business, this is between me and this idiot," I turn back to Superman but the civilian stays.

"Are you okay Batman?" He asks with both concern and hesitation.

"Can't you see I'm talking here? Go away!" I growl and the civilian gulps and takes a step back, I turn back to Clark. "You stupid Boy Scout! I swear I will hurt you as only I can if you do not stop following me!"

Clark keeps grinning at me and I growl in anger.

"Stop it you annoying infuriating man! Stop grinning at me!"

"Batman do you think that's the joker?" The civilian takes a step forward carefully.

"What? Why would this idiot be the joker?! Go inside civilian and stop bothering me!"

The civilian takes several steps back.

"Stop grinning at me! Why are you in Gotham? This isn't funny!" I growl.

"Batman!" Clark says and grins again at me; his voice is weird though he sounds worried...

"Batman?!" I look around and there's Superman coming down from the sky to meet me.

"Please go inside citizen, I'll take care of everything," he says calmly and the citizen does as he says.

"Clone yourself to taunt me did you? Of course you did! I bet you take it in shifts Kent!" I strangle the man in my hands.

He sighs and mutters something. "Bruce that's a lawn gnome..."

"It is not! It's your clone and we both know it!"

"Bruce put down the lawn gnome, there's lingering fear toxin in your blood as well as a lot of melatonin and adenosine which tells me you're very sleep deprived. Put down the lawn gnome, I'm taking you home."

I look at the Clark I have my hands around and suddenly it's a lawn gnome... I drop it and Clark catches it and sets it down.

"Why do you keep following me?!"

Superman rolls his eyes and picks me up, despite my protests. Superman shakes me as we fly and I look at him.

"You're exhausted, you're even taking micro-sleeps," he claims.

"I am not, don't be ridiculous Kent," I insist.

We get to the cave and Clark puts me down and suddenly Alfred is in front of me...how did he get there?

"He's been zoning in and out, he's been hallucinating and he's been yelling at lawn gnomes," Clark barely contains a laugh at the last part and Alfred gives an amused smile.

"Suit off and bed, no complaints, you've taken this as far as your body can deal with. You will sleep now Master Bruce."

"But Alfred-" is all I get out.

Alfred grabs my arm, sits me on the bench and he begins taking off my gauntlets and armour, Clark helps. I protest but they ignore me, Clark is stronger than me and Alfred has dropped the 'Master' from Bruce, which means I am in big trouble.

Alfred and Clark drag me up stairs and force me into pyjamas, Clark leaves with the assurance that I'll stay in bed and Alfred stands there tapping his foot angrily until I get in bed.

"You are in big trouble, you will apologise to Mr Kent for your ridiculous behaviour," I blink at him rapidly." You will stay in bed for all of tomorrow and you will..." I hear nothing more.

...

I sigh as I see him blink at me and then shut his eyes for the last time. He needs sleep more than he needs a lecture but I'll give him one tomorrow just to be sure.


End file.
